#47 - "Sheriff Found" by Joyee Flynn

Whiny Cynanthropes And Clichéd Insipid-Tropes

(2.7/10)

by Peartree

(book requested by some reddit user)

Peartree's note: I know we've done erotica quite a bit in the past and it's such low hanging fruit it's spoiled on the ground, but this review was started months ago as it was a request outside of the normal betting scheme and had no timeline, so I planned on finishing it. Besides, this one has a shape shifting beagle in it. 

Editor's note: Pssshh, Peartree is one to talk when to comes to low-hanging fruits. Know what I'm saying? Yeeaaaahh you do. High-five, up here. Nice.

Shapeshifter mythology has been around for a long time. From neolithic cave drawings in the Pyrénées to parts of ancient literary works like The Epic Of Gilgamesh and The Iliad, from bad ass wizard duels in the 1960's (you can't fuck with Merlin, Madam Mim) to the wonderful allegorical retelling of the Book of Mormon, Twilight, it is almost universallly found in mythologies across the globe. So it only makes sense to infuse homoerotic novels with such lore. 

That being said, it is still a bit unsettling reading erotic sentences like this:

“Now, fuck your pup until I can’t walk for days and you have to carry me everywhere.”

Especially when you know it's a beagle pup getting his Harry Partch reamed by a six foot two beefcake with a sexual dominance fetish.

You may ask yourself 'Why a beagle?' and to that I answer it was the only logical choice for a shapeshifting 'sub' when you think about it. They are cute without being prissy like poodles, small but not chihuahua-small, excitable but not yappy like pomeranians, they aren't jerks like jack russells, ugly like english bull dogs or pugs, or 'mongoloid' like chow chows. So don't overthink it. Lord knows the author never did.

This story has a lot going for it: therianthropy, beagles, homosexual encounters. Pretty much something for everyone. Nonetheless, Flynn still somehow manages to miss the mark. I can accept that most readers aren't looking for a grand, developed plot with these kinds of books, but how about making the characters at least somewhat interesting and multidimensional.

On the the plot: Toby, our cutsie-wootsie cynanthrope, urinates on Randall, the sheriff of a small town. This marks him as his mate. Instantly, they are destined to be together for the rest of their lives. They begin to share each other's thoughts and feelings in a magical telepathic link, and Randall suddenly develops the "strength of twenty men" if he's trying to defend Toby.

Randall first gets a tingly feeling from his new beagle moments after Toby had pee'd on him. Well before he even knew this dog was a shapeshifter.

"He had a feeling this dog had wiggled into more than just his shirt."

What. the. fuck. The guy is so strung up on getting laid he's looking at dogs and having to actualize feelings of lust with himself. That's some fucked up foreshadowing. But thankfully we're solaced before things go too far into straight up bestiality.

"His sex life was bad, but not bad enough to push him into crazy world yet."

No, it's only after he sees Toby the beagle's "sweet little ass" that he can't help but be thrust into that world. Thrusted over and over and over again. For the next 72 pages, these two shoot off more man milk than Dan White, but once they finally get their Kermit Love out of their system, they get to the real meat of the story: the problem that forced Toby to come down from his pack in the mountains in the first place. 

Toby and his pack have some disease, I can't remember what it was but it was probably made up, like gonorrhea, and it's killing them. It has killed, sorry, a few members of his pack. He went down for help but found his mate Randall instead. He gets some medicine from a vet and they bang for a few days while others are still dying up in the mountains. Then they decide to go up there with a truck load of medicine for everyone. Toby paid for all the medicine because he is "very smart" and started a web design company by himself at the age of 22 or something and makes hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. He even has over half a million sitting in his bank account when we first meet him. Randall hit that jackpot hard with this one. Like, "kneeling on the bed with restraints and a bottle of lube" hard.

Once they get back to the village they find out the pack leader was stealing money from Toby for himself (he seemed to have just been keeping it and doing nothing with it) and they have to kick him out. And the book ends with them fleshing out a plan to guard the pack from other larger shapeshifting packs, getting the other members to quit cam whoring themselves for money, and the veterinarian, also a homosexual, getting banged by some sex crazed exhibitionist shapeshifter. All before Randall sinks into Toby's cinnamon star one final time, of course.

So that's the story, aside from some revisiting of Randall's orphaned childhood being beaten by foster parents and other such clichéd tropes. All in all I've read much worse. The thing that really gets this book down is the whiny -- fucking -- attitude of everyone. The first time they have a Herman Bang Toby declares his virgin love and says they'll be mates for life. That should set off some warning bells for ol' Randy, but instead he's excited by it.

"You’re saying I’m the only man who’s ever going to be in this sweet ass?”

Toby says "Yes" and talks about these books he's read on mating and how it's destiny and he starts to feel Randall's emotions and thoughts. Yet somehow Toby bitches out over everything Randall says and is convinced that he is going to leave him. Ejaculate prematurely and feel embarrassed? Turn into a dog and hide under the couch because you think your lover is disappointed and hates you. Tell him you love him after 24 hours and a few shit-fucks and he doesn't say it back? Turn into a dog and run away. God damn it you emotional train wreck Toby. Put away your Long John Baldry for a second and just talk about your insecurities.

Not that Randall is any better. He constantly needs to be protective and is jealous of the thought of anyone else even touching Toby's booty clam.

“Whose ass is this, Toby?”

“My ass,” I answered, glancing at him over my shoulder, completely confused. When I saw the feral look on his face as he raised an eyebrow at me, I caught on to his meaning. “Your ass, Randall. My ass belongs to you.”

I won't go on quoting but suffice to say it goes like this for the whole book. Maybe it's about a passion that I know nothing of so can't relate. Something which burns so deeply inside of you that it makes you irrational. Maybe that's why these books are so popular. So people can get away from their mediocre relationships and imagine a world where guys will throw caution to the wind and just fuck each other stupid and lose themselves in their lust. Personally that doesn't sound too appealing though. It's been my experience that when you lose yourself in lust you wake up with an Omega Mu and an empty bottle of whiskey. Next time I'm definitely trying out Randall's dirty talk though.

“You look even better with my cock in your mouth than I’d imagined.”

 - Peartree

#7: "Bennie and the Bears: Book One - The Rugby Cub" by Tom Farrell

Literally Half the Book is a Threesome (2/10)

by Captain Charisma

(book selected by group consensus)

Note from the gang: The Piece of Shit Book Club™ is proud to introduce our newest member, Captain Charisma. This book was chosen for CC by the existing members of the club as an initiation requirement. We chose the book because he loves rugby, but despite the innocent sounding name, it turns out it was hardcore bear erotica. Whoops!

I grew up playing lots and lots of rugby. I obsessively played rugby to the point where I believed that it was the only thing worth devoting my time to. I thought I knew everything about the game; at times I played on 4 teams, training at least three times a day, and my weekends were devoted to matches and tournaments. However, this book has taught me one thing I didn't before understand. Hypermasculinity in contact sport is actually just really, really gay.

Rugby acts as a sexual release for our adolescent post-pubescent protagonist. Bennie is an “affable young man” (p. 6) who, prior to seeking homosexual relationships, has regular has wet dreams about “all that physical contact with fit male bodies, and hitting the showers afterwards with the rest of the team” (p. 8). Ten pages of backstory can be summarized in the following sentence: Bennie refrains from his desire to get banged by big hairy dudes so as to avoid disappointing his religious fundamentalist mother who remains unstable, resulting from the tragic death of his father in a fishing accident. Nevertheless, the backstory provides the most creative technique found in the book through the genius use of foreshadowing, i.e. Bennie is really gay and is going to bang a lot of dudes when he goes off to university.

Bennie goes to university in Aberdeen where the gay scene is too small for him to discreetly hide his homosexuality from his mother. But, he really wants to have sex with dudes and has never done it before. He chooses to respond to an online post, which states: “two grizzly bears looking for a discreet but adventurous cub to play with!” (p. 11). Bennie responds, goes to their house, and that’s basically the entire book. The following forty pages are long descriptions of old dudes banging a “rugby cub”. Oh and guess what, both of the bears are buff and have huge dicks. One of them has a PhD in Behavioural Psychology and uses his expertise to become the overbearing controller of the threesome and completely submit Bennie. Also, Bennie goes to the university where he’s a professor. Ethics and rapeyness aside, at one point they at least have a real “penile feast” (p. 55) on Bennie to at least make sure he blows a load as well.

This review is limited due to the fact that I have not previously read either straight or gay erotica. However, this book really is just a massive pile of shit. Regardless of the subject matter, the overall lack of literary tact makes this read simply challenging. As you read on you come to the realization that the book has a near total disregard for literary technique; tools such as allegory, metaphor, hyperbole, imagery, paradox or simile are simply omitted. Anthropomorphism is occasionally used, but only when describing cocks, so I’m not sure whether or not that even counts. Rather, we’re left with fantastic literal descriptions, such as the following definition of ‘spit-roasting’: “shafted at both ends; a dick up the ass and in the mouth at the same time” (p. 12). For clarification, spit-roasting is in fact a metaphor, but the author did not make it up so this does not count. I would also like to clarify that the error in semicolon use in the sentence is a direct quote.

Bennie and the Bears is ripe with dick and asshole descriptions. Up to three different dick words are used to describe one dick in one sentence: “Scott reached over to grasp Jim’s big solid prick, pulling the skin down on the obscenely fat shaft and fully exposing the huge knob at the end” (p. 22). Cock… meat… cock meat… penile meat… rod… shaft… prick… dick… phallus… member… pole… knob… all used in the act of “spurting out a load of spunk into guts” (p. 32). Guts is a common asshole description, with less used examples including chute, hole, cherry, flower, arse, juicy ring, and pucker. Here I can provide some positive feedback; the author has an impressive repertoire of penis and anus synonyms. For this reason, the book receives a generous 2/10.

For the record, I only had one erection when reading this book, but I’m pretty sure that was about something else.

Captain Charisma

09/10/2014

#2: "Pray the Gay Away" by Sara York

Can't Stop Thinking About Mouth-Shots
 (3/10)

by Peartree

(book chosen by Beau Dashington)

Sara York’s ‘Pray The Gay Away’ is the coming of age story of Jack Miller, the popular all-star high school football hero son of a pastor, and Andrew Collins, the skinny, timid gay boy to who just moved to Sweet, a small town in backwaters Georgia.

The story (rife with spelling mistakes and grammatical errors) tries to deal with the serious issue of growing up gay in a religious environment. She claims this story hits close to home for her in the foreword. I can only assume it hit her with a wrench bludgeoning her temporal lobe.

The plot is as follows: Andrew kissed a boy in Atlanta, his father freaked out and moved them to Sweet. Jack is told to show him how to be a man’s man but Jack is gay and has been hiding it. The two instantly become an item. They give each other blowjobs but are not ready for sex and are scared it will hurt. Jack looks up how to have anal sex on his father’s work computer and gets caught. And then the book ends with ‘To Be Continued…’

The one true conflict in the ENTIRE story which would have driven some form of development in the characters was cut up to entice readers to purchase the next book. I was thankful that it ended, but that’s just shitty fucking writing. Sure there were minor conflict arcs with some progress, but they didn’t change anything. They just gave our pederast protagonists something new to bitch and whine about.

So since our author has chosen to not provide us with any major event to force a change in our characters let’s focus on the relationship of these two young men to figure out why she has chosen to keep them just the way they are. There must be something fiercely special about them to be able to hold our interest for such a long time.

When Jack first see Andrew he describes him as “tall but skinny. He had some muscles that bunched on his arm when he clenched his fists, but he lacked bulk. The guy’s pants were lose, and only held up by the army green belt cinched around his waist. His lips were dark red, not pink, or pale at all, but very dark and they stuck out in a slight pout. Jack wondered what it would be like to kiss that mouth. Then there were his eyes. Sunken, like his cheeks, the deep blue pools of wariness stared out at Jack.” I myself pictured Willem Dafoe in Wild At Heart but younger. You know, the scene where he has the stockings over his head and they are robbing the bank? (http://goo.gl/vbiQnF)

I’d like to interject that if I were writing a lesbian teen erotica novel I’d probably make the characters as ideal as possible. I don’t want to picture mediocre lovers. If it’s fiction why not give me the Goddesses of our race. Let me visualize the sapphic love of untainted beauties in a serene meadow under a tree by the riverbank. Not some butch t-primed dyke fisting her gloomy unshaven girlfriend on a stained mattress on the floor of their dejected apartment.

But it doesn’t matter because Jack is immediately in love with Andrew and will make Andrew fall in love with him. The are instantly inseparable and must have constant physical contact with each other, savouring each leg brush up in the truck or pat on the back. It’s actually unbelievably fast how they jump each other. The each swallowed the load of the other within 36 hours of meeting. And only actually being with each other about two to four of those hours. Both of their fathers would beat them senseless if they even suspected of something but these two idiots get to the woods immediately and start proclaiming endless love when they haven’t even kissed anyone yet. Within week one of meeting each other they are able to truly express their feelings. 

"I swear, I’ll find a way for us to be together. It might take a while, but I want to spend my life with you."Andrew’s breath caught in his throat. Tears stung the back of his eyes."Do you really mean that? I’m nothing special.""You are special. To me, you’re the world. I can’t exist without you."

(That kind of dialogue only comes about once you’ve written about 34 homoerotica novels by the way)

But in between mouth shots they remind themselves that they have to hide their relationship, yet can’t seem to be away for longer than eight hours. Feeling a burning loss in their souls when they are not near one another. I feel Mrs. York took many clues about how to write a teenage boy from Hayden Christensen’s portrayal of Anakin Skywalker in ‘Star Wars: Attack Of The Clones’.

They are so one dimensional through the entire book being solely focused on physically being with each other that the author has left them with no thoughts other than when they next get to suck each other off and being worried about being caught. One character even states “Everything in his life revolved around him and Jack being together.”  This is not an understatement. Every few chapters have the same progression, they reassure each other of their love in the face of adversary ("I don’t care how wrong people say this is, I know it’s right.", "No matter how it looks to everyone else, I only want to date you”, "I swear, I’ll find a way for us to be together”). The suck each other off (“Jack scraped the come off Andrew’s chest with his finger then brought it to his mouth, sucking his fingers clean”, “Thick come shot down Jack’s throat and he swallowed, drinking what his lover had to give him”, “Jack arched into him and shivered before he tried to pull out of Andrew’s mouth, but he didn’t let go. Salty sweet come raced down his throat”, “Andrew gasped and arched forward, dumping his load in Jack’s mouth”, “Jack cried out, his shout echoing across the clearing as he came. Andrew came seconds later”, “Andrew swallowed Jack’s come and continued to suck”). Then they’d promise each other everything will be ok in college (“he’d survive long enough to escape away to college where he wouldn’t have to hide his love of men”, “They’d need to move to a city where they could hold each other”, “We only have a few more months of high school and then we’ll be free”, “When we graduate, we’ll find a way to move in together”, “I really want this school year to end so we can find a place to live and be together”, “I swear we’ll be together soon. When we start living together, it will get easier”, “When they moved to college together things would be different”, “Once he got into a good college, they could start working toward building a life together”).

Repeat. 

With a few minor bumps in the road like the homecoming dance postponing their midnight rendezvous, a social worker getting involved due to starvation, a ‘gay-gay’ little brother, and of course, as Andrew’s father put it best,“We’re going to pray like we’ve never prayed before. The gay is going to be gone from your life forever. You’ve chosen a path of death. Your mother and I are here to make sure you make a different decision. We’ll pray that gay away if it takes a lifetime”.

I am however awarding this book a higher rating than I thought going in because Mrs. York unveiled a whole new world to me in her writing talent of being able to showcase the entire gamut of human emotion with one’s eyebrows. “Billy screwed up his face, his brows pinched together”, “The boy screwed up his face, pinching his brows together”, “Nathaniel turned to him, his brows bunched together”, “Nancy looked to Jack’s dad and lifted a brow”, “Then Jack met his gaze and lifted one eyebrow”, “Jack turned around and lifted a brow”, “He glanced away then back at Jack, his brows pulled together”, “Suzanne’s brow’s shot up and her mouth hung open”, “She turned and narrowed her eyes, bunching her brows together”, “Coach lifted his brow as he stared at Jack”, “Andrew bit his lip and his brows pinched together”, “Both adults turned toward him, raising a questioning brow”, “Andrew’s brows were raised, a worried look on his face”, “Andrew, winking at him and lifting his eyebrows”, “His brows bunched together as he stared at the costume”, “He glanced at Jack who lifted his brows… ”, “…and lifted his brows”, “… lifted brows…”, “… bunched eyebrows…”, “… her brows…”, “… eyebrows…”, “…. brows…”, “… brows…”.

Wager:

How many times does Fred Phelps say "fag/faggot" in the following video:

Results:

1. Beau Dashington - (guessing 8)
2. LoganLodez (guessing 0)
3. AdmiralFartmore (guessing 15)
4. Peartree (guessing 24)