We've moved! Redirecting...: #39 - "Regarding Ducks and Universes" by Neve Maslakovic

Duck-stractingly Sexy. (7/10)

By Beau Dashington

(Book chosen by HotBot)

Editor's Note: This was my first time assigning a book as part of the Piece of Shit™ Book Club, and apparently I'm bad at it. It must be because I'm a woman.

What with all the hubbub and uproar lately over the involvement of ladies in science, I was quite surprised to be assigned Regarding Ducks and Universes to read this week, since it was written by someone who claims to be both a woman and a scientist. I know, I know. It sounds insane. Women and knowledge are clearly a volatile mix. But bear with me while we get to the bottom of this.

This science fiction book, it turns out, is not a Piece of Shit™ at all. It’s basically well-written, and the plot is compelling enough. However, and I’m no scientician, but I’m not too convinced by this so-called expert’s “opinions” and “science facts”. As such, this entire review is going to be an ad hominem (or should that be ad feminem?). As we all know, a direct personal attack is the most effective form of argument known to man (but not woman). What with the liberal media's clear bias in favor of women, it’s clearly time for me to bring back the Penis Perspective.

I suppose that it is mandatory for every review to contain some description of the book itself. So here’s the obligatory plot summary. Someone experimenting with universes accidentally created a link between our universe and a parallel one. This is more science fact than science fiction, since scientists are too often trying to play god, and are always interfering with the laws of nature. Anyway, some mundane and casual event caused the two universes to split. Since our main character, Felix, was born before the split, he has a counterpart in the other universe. Worried that his alter is writing the same mystery novel as him, Felix crosses universes to investigate. Along the way, he and a group of scientists (playing God, as usual) try to establish what small event it was that caused the two universes to diverge. And it all comes down to a rubber duck.

That's the book, which for this review, is beside the point. Let’s get back to the main issue, namely: ladies interfering in science. Now, everyone knows that I’m no misogynist. I’m all down for women having rights, and being allowed to drive to the grocery store. And they should be allowed to buy feminine hygiene products, provided they're kept at the back of the store where I don't have to see them. And they should feel perfectly comfortable to breastfeed their infants in shame at home, preferably in the basement or an outdoor storage facility. But have you seen the news lately? These so-called women scientists are purposely posting sexy pics of themselves doing science, just to upset their hard-working male counterparts by being “#DistractinglySexy”.

Satire aside, I find this woman to be exceptionally attractive.

This is nonsense! With this going on, how are men scientists supposed to work, and solve the world's real problems, like male pattern baldness? Would Oppenheimer have invented the a-bomb, or would Nobel have discovered dynamite, with all these hot broads flaunting their sensual selves in the workplace? Probably not. And without nuclear weapons and dynamite, clearly the world would be a much worse place. For starters, it would probably be gay and communist.

Let’s take a closer look at the author, the so-called Neve Maslakovic. It’s actually a beautiful name. You can picture the author sitting in a summer field, wearing a gingham dress, pulling petals off a flower, attempting in a pseudo-scientific way to ascertain if one of her male colleagues loves her (or loves her not). The truth is much worse. In reality, she is one of those bi-coastal academic elites you hear about on Fox News.

Let’s start with her scientific credentials, which I put absolutely no faith in. And I say that as a trained scientist. I have a Bachelor’s degree in Political Science. It’s a science, people. It says so in the name. Plus, I read Hawking’s The Theory of Everything, and I even understood some of it.

Ms Maslakovic claims to have a doctorate in electrical engineering. Now personally, I’ve never heard of this poxy little community college called Stanford where she claims to have done her PhD. I mean, come on. Stanford? Never heard of it. More like Sanford, as in Sanford and Son, the 1970s show about men selling garbage. Basically I’m saying that Stanford is a pile of garbage. You follow me?

Maybe Sanford and Son will buy your junk Stanford degree, but I'm having none of it.

Before I go on, I should acknowledge even though I keep calling her Ms. Maslakovic, the author probably doesn’t call herself that since she has a PhD from Stanford. But I refuse to call her Dr. because I doubt her medical credentials. I’m also not too convinced that a woman should be running around the science lab getting up to no good and whatnot. She’s probably only spends half her time working, and the other half of her time crying and falling in love with people.

Now, Ms. Maslakovic, if that is indeed your real name (which we have already established it isn't), I have a few questions for you. I know that I should be careful addressing you directly, as you might fall in love with me in the process. What I want to know is, just what gives you the right to go around being a scientist and writing science books like a normal person (i.e. a man)?

Personally, I’ve had enough of these women running around doing science and writing books I don’t understand. What, you think you can have a better job than me at a prestigious university just because you’re better educated and smarter than me? I don’t think so, missus. The real question is: are you trying to be a man, or are you just trying to be duck-stractingly sexy?

Clearly, the pendulum has swung too far, and it’s gotta swing back. Because at the end of the day, we know this all about sex. I know, because a real scientist (i.e. a man) said so. A long time ago, Alfred Kinsey demonstrated conclusively that 90% of everything is explained by sex. And he didn’t have to cry or fall in love with anyone to prove it. And that’s the way science should be, just a bunch of old white dudes in lab-coats smoking cigars and pretending to work while talking about tits for science reasons.

Incidentally, as we all know from the recent 2015 Stanley Cup Playoffs, Neve Maslkovic isn’t the only one who is duck-stractingly sexy. Just check out the Anaheim Ducks’ center and captain Ryan Getzlaf. And you can't get sexier than this guy, even though he has a receding hairline...

Maybe we don't need to spend billions curing male baldness after all.