#46 - "Cracked" by Eliza Crewe

Vices and Shit

(1/10)

by HotBot

(book accidentally stumbled upon by HotBot)

Editor's Note: The main characters in this book are called "Meda," "Chi," and "Jo," which together are an anagram for "I, Chode-Jam." I, Chode-Jam indeed.

Sometimes, books make me angry.  Not books in general of course—I’m talking about specific ones.  I pick them up, all excited and ready to be bedazzled—and then I’m hit with a pile of shit instead. It’s not what I want.  Nobody Almost nobody wants that.  Such was the case with Eliza Crewe’s “Cracked”, and it irritated me sufficiently that I asked the gentlemen of the Piece of Shit Book ClubTM whether I could volunteer as tribute. Just this one time.

Cracked isn’t a shit book because it’s racist.  There is no fucking dinosaurs or dolphins, no heroin-based autobiographies, no subtle pro-US propaganda.  There’s not even any thinking you’re a horse.  But it does check all the boxes for an unlikable and unrelatable protagonist, a confusing target age, soooo much Bible-iness, and some casual harassment.  For a little background, our ‘heroine’ is Andromeda Melange, half-demon soul-eater and teen with attitude.  There’s also a bunch of people called Crusaders—virtually all of whom we meet are likewise moody teens or invalids—and they’re at war with the Demons, while protecting people they called ‘Beacons’.  Now, I don’t want to spoil anything, but Meda’s last name means “mixture”.  Any thoughts as to what makes her so special?  Spoilers, she’s a Crusader-Demon-Beacon.  A crudemacon.  Will she choose good?  Will she choose bad?  Who the fuck cares, but you can guess it from the outset if you’re so inclined.

Now, in chronological order:

The first few chapters

Meda goes psychotic and rips apart a man with her bare hands, releases insane people into the streets, and dances in trail of blood.  Despite the grizzliness, the word choice and ‘voice’ reflects perhaps a pre-teen audience, maybe the 12-14 bracket.  Meda’s character is 17.

P53—Lust

Meda next encounters her first Crusaders, one of whom is Chi (Malachi—get it?  Religious!  Because all the good guys are).  And because this is apparently what pre-teens like to read in books, we get this comment after Chi takes off his jacket: “The looks of an angel and yet all it makes me want to do is sin.”  This made me want to look up the Bible Malachi, and we have this dude:

'Sinning' is not at the forehead of my mind.

P71—What’s a plot hole, anyway?!

Chi, his friend Jo, and a kid called Uri(el), are explaining what ‘Crusaders’ are.  They are like advanced ‘Templars’ (yes, Knights Templar), and are descended from the original Knights.  But it’s not only descendants of the ‘originals’ that have special powers: “Oh, and anyone who marries a Templar”.  That’s right.  But why?  What could the reasoning be?  What is the world logic here?  Meda wonders the same thing, and asks.  “They all blink at me.  Finally Uri answers, ‘Because God says so.’”.  OH.  Because God says so.  Of course.  What the fuck happens in case of divorce?  What if it’s a marriage of convenience, because I hear there have been one or two of those since the recognition of the Knights Templar in the twelfth freaking century?!  What if someone stumbles onto your secret and starts force-marrying and divorcing you to a whole bunch of people in order to raise some kind of super army?!  And moreover, why the fuck is this important to the story?!  There’s this whole marriage theme that runs throughout—adult Templars, for example, always fight in pairs.  And those pairs are always couples.  And 17-year-old Chi, by the end of the book, is ‘joking’ about how he’s going to ‘make’ Jo marry him—but more on that later on.  Enough.  We get it.  Jesus, God, marriage, blah.  But please oh please cover up at least the more glaring of your plot holes with something a little more substantial.

P79—just a couple more names

Oh hey there, Ezekiel, Abraham, Methuselah and Judas.  Sigh.  And this book isn’t half as endearing as the way Christian mythology is used in Supernatural, for example.  Where’s Castiel?  We all want Castiel dammit!

There are an unbelievable number of memes of this guy on the internet.

P130—Sloth (on behalf of the editor)

Three times in the book, words were randomly in a different font size.  I don’t know why.  At first I thought it was some kind of inner dialogue mechanism.  Then I read the sentence “no one could be that surprised” and my internal monologue was confused.  I felt lied to.  Betrayed.

P186—Gluttony (in a very loose reference)

Meda constantly talks about her Hunger.  Her hunger for food, but also her Hunger for Souls.  Or, rather, the life attached to souls, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean.  I assume it’s some kind of Siamese-soul situation, and you swallow one then spit out the rest.  The more I think about it, the more annoyed I am.  Meda kills a person and then sucks out their soul, swallowing all of it.  But it’s okay, because really she only digests the ‘life’ associated with it.  So where does the rest of the soul go?!  And how are there ghosts wandering around (one of whom has a subplot which is never resolved) with all aspects of life, when Meda later explains that they’re only souls, no life?!  Meda is called a ‘Soul-eater’ (it says so right on the back cover!), but other Demons, ‘Real’ Demons, suck ‘life’ directly from … some kind of afterlife?  But not souls, oh no, not souls.

Either way, on the topic of eating, I was irritated to find an overbearing explanation of the word ‘hangry’ on page 186.  It’s like the author had just learned the word from a friend—a word which is in fairly common use, at least where I’m from—and was excited to teach it to the world.  Give me a break.

P216—the one thing I liked

This sentence.  This solitary sentence.  “Those of us who live with twisted bits like to think we can overcome them.”  It’s with reference to somewhat-crippled Jo, who doesn’t allow her gimpy leg (and I only say ‘gimpy’ because that’s how the author/Meda keeps referring to her) to hold her back.

P229—what??

A reference is suddenly made to the lack of a particular burger chain the UK.  As far as we know, the protagonist has never been to the UK, so this is just a bout of random.  Is the author trying to check whether we're awake?!

P274—again with the life/soul distinction

All right, so firstly, again with the ‘which age group is this for’?  A 13-year-old boy is tortured to death.  Lovely, right?  And then we (through Meda) see his “soul, stripped of life”, before ascending to presumably Heaven.  What?  So his soul didn’t have life but was still moving on to whatever afterlife?  So it sounds like Demons aren’t doing any harm by taking the ‘life’ from people’s souls, as they get to where they’re going anyway.  And in that case, how the hell (yes, a pun, but an angry one) do the Demons suck life from souls in the afterlife?!  BOOK YOU MAKE NO SENSE.

P278—oh no.

Meda meets her demon father, and she has the thought “I am such a naughty girl, aren’t I, Daddy?”.  Now I don’t know if it’s just me, but I read this and cracked up.  Thank you for backing up every ‘daddy issues’ cliché ever, Crewe.  Thank you.  I’m just surprised that it didn’t devolve into some kind of spanking/incest scene—especially given the father in question is apparently an incubus, and that’s what they do.  Or is it only when people are asleep?

I shit you not, the caption for this was "an incubus about to fornicate with a sleeping beauty".  I like how he looks lost in thought.  I'm less charmed by the idea of waking up to find a naked red dude sitting on my bed staring at me, especially if to all intents and purposes I've been drugged as this woman appears to have been.  Who the fuck sleeps like that?  You'd choke on your tongue!  Is this some kind of necro crossover?!

I don’t know, it’s not my bag, but the only context in which I ever encounter someone older than around 10 using the word ‘daddy’ is in a sexual sense, so this was just…  Oh dear.

P301–327 (ie end of book)

Chi and Jo declare their love for one another during a fight to the death with a demon horde (man, I just do not get to type ‘demon horde’ often enough).  I mean come on, if Buffy taught us anything it’s that people say stupid things when they’re about to die.

Buffy announces she loves him, given the apocalypse going on.  Spike is like "duh, no you don't, don't be retarded".

Then, once it’s been said, an incredible amount of the rest of the book is taken up with the following.  But imagine Spike is Chi.  Now watch the gif for ten minutes.  Now see if you feel like punching anyone.

I was never in the Spike camp anyway, punch away.

But does Jo go along with this?  Oh no.  P310, she explains that “’I only said that because we were about to die.’”  Straight-forward, right?  But Chi refuses to believe it, and keeps telling her how she loves him and she’ll be 'his'.  While saying how one day her name will be ‘wife’.  Meanwhile Jo keeps reiterating that “’I meant it at the time.  I thought we were going to die.’”  But Chi just doesn’t take his would-be wife that seriously—she probably doesn’t know what she wants, that silly duffer.

Except that she does.  And she's told you it's not you.

Chi is so persistent in fact, that Jo is forced from the room, and then in a later scene she has to run into the woods to escape him.  Chi is even good enough to describe the whole shebang as a “romantic assault”.  Oh yeah buddy, keep using words like ‘assault’ when you’re chasing some girl into the woods.  Good work.  Here’s some more of Jo protesting:

“’I don’t want to talk to you anymore,’ she says in desperation.  ‘I don’t want to see you ever again.  Just leave me alone!’  Her voice is high-pitched and frantic. 

‘Not gonna happen,’ he says easily.  ‘Ever.’”

Well that’s not scary as fuck.  Even Meda—half-Demon Meda—asks him what the hell he’s doing, pointing out that Jo’s getting more and more upset.  On the other hand, she then lets him go run into the forest after the girl who has been forced to flee him, so maybe she’s true to her demonic nature after all.

Finally, Meda finds herself wandering through the woods, and she comes across Chi and Jo.  No, they’re not banging.  But they haven’t seen her, so she hides in the bushes to watch them.  And watches Chi kiss Jo—while she’s crying and protesting—and pretends to eat invisible popcorn.  Oh and then suddenly the murdered kid’s ghost appears, even though ghosts once they’re in the afterlife are meant to stay there, because fuck plotlines.

1/10.  Fuck this shit.

#40 - "Rush Revere and the First Patriots" by Rush Limbaugh

Rushin around.

(3/10)

By HotBot

(book selected by Peartree)

Editor's note: Little known fact, it only took Limbaugh 30 minutes of make-up each morning for his portrayal of 'Pearl' in the movie Blade. 

When the guys assigned me this book, they asked whether Rush Limbaugh’s reputation had made it across the Atlantic and/or Pacific to me (there was some confusion as to which was the most appropriate ocean).  I said that I’d heard of him, mainly in connection with sexism and bigotry, and definitely as a conservative.  To give some context, here are some of radio host Limbaugh’s heavy-hitters:

• Cold air “proves the ice isn’t melting.”
• People “can’t go fishing anymore because of Obama.”
• President Obama… wants to mandate circumcision.
• Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society
• I have talent on loan from… God
• A feminazi is a woman to whom the most important thing in life is seeing to it that as many abortions as possible are performed.
• It’s sort of like hazing, a fraternity prank.  Sort of like that kind of fun.  (Re abuse of Iraqi prisoners are Abu Ghraib).
• They’re going out of their way now to establish evolution as a mechanism for creation, which, of course, you can’t do.
• There’s going to be a retard summit at the White House
•  You know how to stop abortion?  Require that each one occur with a gun.
• How many of you guys, in your own experience with women, have learned that 'no' means 'yes' - if you know how to spot it?

Rush mid-rush.

And then there’s this, which made it across all kinds of oceans:

“college co-ed Sandra Fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex, what does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She's having so much sex she can't afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex. ” and then “So, Ms. Fluke and the rest of you feminazis, here's the deal: If we are going to pay for you to have sex, we want something for it, and I'll tell you what it is — we want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.”

Oh but it doesn’t stop!

“The study's leaders claim to have bona fide research — I say "bonified" probably here — bonified research that says the average size of a penis is roughly 10% smaller than it was 50 years ago...  I think it's feminism. If it's tied to the last 50 years... it has to be the feminazis, the chickification and everything else. Give 'em time and they'll blame Bush.”

I’ve gotta say, this guy’s Wikiquotes page is gold.

With all of the above in mind, I started reading Rush Revere with something akin to fear.  Was it going to be an exercise in carefully (or not-so-carefully) disguised anti-whomever statements?  Were there going to be rants about the role of women, or the characteristics of different races, or what-have-you?  I’m happy to tell you that no, this book was not an exercise in the conservative indoctrination of children.  On the contrary, it was written at an appropriate level and in a style which will definitely appeal to kids.  There are awkward jokes (and fart jokes—sigh), the characters are—barring Rush—relatable children, and the various sections of society are covered.  Moreover, it’s really informative about the history around the American Revolution.  I’m definitely taking it all with a grain of salt, as there’s definitely a strong anti-monarchist pro-republican agenda, but all the same, I feel like I’ve learned something.  There’s even a quiz at the end of the book where you can test your knowledge!  Also, Star Wars references:

“Well, I’m not familiar with a star war,” said Benjamin [Franklin], “but if the thirteen colonies continue to rebel and resist, it is just a matter of time before the empire strikes back!”

That isn’t to say that there aren’t parts of the book which made me pause.  Firstly, there are illustrations throughout, starring a sullen Rush Limbaugh in the role of time-traveller and all-round nice guy, Rush Revere:

Rush Revere and his horse, Liberty.  (It's cos it's about Freedom.  The only way the message could be less subtle if the horse was called Murica.)

The story-line itself is fine.  Though I must say, I particularly enjoyed how characters came to understand the whole 'our weird history teacher has a time-travelling horse' situation:

"It’s a time portal, isn’t it?” I must’ve looked surprised because she said, “I knew it! And don’t look so surprised. It’s obvious with all the colonial costumes and the movie you showed us about the Pilgrims in Holland and the talking horse who knows about American history.”

Oh, and did I mention that the horse sings?  To the tune of 'Call Me Maybe', no less.

As to Rush’s big hitters:

Republicanism, conservatism

•  You've gotta love how Limbaugh portrayed the King of England:  "I will have my way!” He pouted. “I will. I will! The colonists are rabble-rousers and common criminals. They are dumb, silly dressed fools who are still subject to my laws and my word. I shall not have them forget that I rule the New World. I am the King! The land and the people of the thirteen colonies are still mine. Mine, I tell you! The colonists will do anything I say and buy anything we sell them! Except for fine fashion, it appears!”
• I'm just gonna leave this here: "William knew that the best way for each of the Pilgrim families to prosper in their new way of life was for each family to have a plot of land where they could build a home and work for themselves. Instead of putting all of their goods into a communal chest, William Bradford encouraged the Pilgrims to be on the same team, yet work hard to take care of their own families. He knew they would try their hardest if they knew they could keep the rewards of their hard work and labor. It’s a lesson I’ve always tried to teach my own students. What if they all studied really hard for a test but no matter how hard they worked they would all get the same B grade as everyone else? Why would they ever try for an A?"

Sex and gender

•  All of the important characters who we see in each scene are guys--usually Rush, Cam, or Tommy (who Rush is... very... fond of).  There are also two girls, one called Freedom (no, I'm not kidding), and another, Elizabeth, who is a spoilt brat and the butt of many jokes.  The guys on the other hand are all very reasonable and sensible human beings.  Bratty girl goes from besotted with one character to another, and Freedom is used only as a communication device.  There are no female characters in this book which any young girl reading the book would be able to relate to or emulate--not the case for guys.  The heroes are definitely all men.

Race

•  Limbaugh doesn't believe in using politically correct terms like 'Native Americans'.  No no, instead you've got sentences like "In a few minutes we were all dressed like Indians.".  I feel like 'traditional Indian dress' would have stuck out in colonial USA.  Then again, maybe not:
  

It's important to be beautiful, like Liberty.

• One of the kids under Rush's care is African-American, and at one point he's nearly punished as a runaway slave.  However, Rush steps in, and in the end several of the Patriots recognise the kid's contributions as equal to their own.  Ie political correctness aside, this issue was handled fairly reasonably.

Religion

• Sorry, atheists:
  “Only when we are free can we be all that God wants us to be. Only when we are free can we do all that God wants us to do. Remember this, my friend, freedom is from God. And when we fight for freedom we always fight on the side of God.”
• "I believe the only way America can prosper is to remember the religious freedoms that our forefathers fought for. Only then can the smiles of heaven bless this sacred land.”

Rush sheds light on the matter.  The light of Liberty.

I find this whole situation very confusing.  On the one hand, Limbaugh in real life comes of as a misogynist, climate-denying, racist jerk--but that's not how he portrays himself in the book.  Other than the 'subtle' references to the difficulties of managing a small business (though noting that they form the backbone of America's economy) and expected references to the amazeballsness of Republicanism (which in and of itself, isn't offensive), there's really not an offensive amount of agenda, and issues are handled in a fairly balanced way.

Overall, I don't know how to feel about this book.  As I said, children would enjoy it, and it approaches history in a fun way.  On the other hand, Rush Limbaugh is full of shit, and so without a comprehensive fact-check of the stories in the book, I just don't know what to believe.  So I guess at the end of the day, it's maybe not the book that's the Piece of Shit™.

Ah, the sweet taste of Liberty.

I'll leave you with a quote:

There’s nothing worse than overcooked potatoes or carrots or especially asparagus! Seriously, limp and soggy asparagus is almost as bad as a limp and soggy handshake.” Confused, I questioned, “a soggy handshake?” Liberty clarified: “You don’t want one, trust me. It begins by soaking in the bathtub or playing in a pool for too long and then your hand looks old and wrinkly! Shaking a soggy hand feels like you’re holding a slimy, shriveled piece of seaweed. And you’re not going to impress anyone with seaweed. Why are we even talking about this?”

Good question, Liberty.  Good question.

#2: "Pray the Gay Away" by Sara York

Can't Stop Thinking About Mouth-Shots
 (3/10)

by Peartree

(book chosen by Beau Dashington)

Sara York’s ‘Pray The Gay Away’ is the coming of age story of Jack Miller, the popular all-star high school football hero son of a pastor, and Andrew Collins, the skinny, timid gay boy to who just moved to Sweet, a small town in backwaters Georgia.

The story (rife with spelling mistakes and grammatical errors) tries to deal with the serious issue of growing up gay in a religious environment. She claims this story hits close to home for her in the foreword. I can only assume it hit her with a wrench bludgeoning her temporal lobe.

The plot is as follows: Andrew kissed a boy in Atlanta, his father freaked out and moved them to Sweet. Jack is told to show him how to be a man’s man but Jack is gay and has been hiding it. The two instantly become an item. They give each other blowjobs but are not ready for sex and are scared it will hurt. Jack looks up how to have anal sex on his father’s work computer and gets caught. And then the book ends with ‘To Be Continued…’

The one true conflict in the ENTIRE story which would have driven some form of development in the characters was cut up to entice readers to purchase the next book. I was thankful that it ended, but that’s just shitty fucking writing. Sure there were minor conflict arcs with some progress, but they didn’t change anything. They just gave our pederast protagonists something new to bitch and whine about.

So since our author has chosen to not provide us with any major event to force a change in our characters let’s focus on the relationship of these two young men to figure out why she has chosen to keep them just the way they are. There must be something fiercely special about them to be able to hold our interest for such a long time.

When Jack first see Andrew he describes him as “tall but skinny. He had some muscles that bunched on his arm when he clenched his fists, but he lacked bulk. The guy’s pants were lose, and only held up by the army green belt cinched around his waist. His lips were dark red, not pink, or pale at all, but very dark and they stuck out in a slight pout. Jack wondered what it would be like to kiss that mouth. Then there were his eyes. Sunken, like his cheeks, the deep blue pools of wariness stared out at Jack.” I myself pictured Willem Dafoe in Wild At Heart but younger. You know, the scene where he has the stockings over his head and they are robbing the bank? (http://goo.gl/vbiQnF)

I’d like to interject that if I were writing a lesbian teen erotica novel I’d probably make the characters as ideal as possible. I don’t want to picture mediocre lovers. If it’s fiction why not give me the Goddesses of our race. Let me visualize the sapphic love of untainted beauties in a serene meadow under a tree by the riverbank. Not some butch t-primed dyke fisting her gloomy unshaven girlfriend on a stained mattress on the floor of their dejected apartment.

But it doesn’t matter because Jack is immediately in love with Andrew and will make Andrew fall in love with him. The are instantly inseparable and must have constant physical contact with each other, savouring each leg brush up in the truck or pat on the back. It’s actually unbelievably fast how they jump each other. The each swallowed the load of the other within 36 hours of meeting. And only actually being with each other about two to four of those hours. Both of their fathers would beat them senseless if they even suspected of something but these two idiots get to the woods immediately and start proclaiming endless love when they haven’t even kissed anyone yet. Within week one of meeting each other they are able to truly express their feelings. 

"I swear, I’ll find a way for us to be together. It might take a while, but I want to spend my life with you."Andrew’s breath caught in his throat. Tears stung the back of his eyes."Do you really mean that? I’m nothing special.""You are special. To me, you’re the world. I can’t exist without you."

(That kind of dialogue only comes about once you’ve written about 34 homoerotica novels by the way)

But in between mouth shots they remind themselves that they have to hide their relationship, yet can’t seem to be away for longer than eight hours. Feeling a burning loss in their souls when they are not near one another. I feel Mrs. York took many clues about how to write a teenage boy from Hayden Christensen’s portrayal of Anakin Skywalker in ‘Star Wars: Attack Of The Clones’.

They are so one dimensional through the entire book being solely focused on physically being with each other that the author has left them with no thoughts other than when they next get to suck each other off and being worried about being caught. One character even states “Everything in his life revolved around him and Jack being together.”  This is not an understatement. Every few chapters have the same progression, they reassure each other of their love in the face of adversary ("I don’t care how wrong people say this is, I know it’s right.", "No matter how it looks to everyone else, I only want to date you”, "I swear, I’ll find a way for us to be together”). The suck each other off (“Jack scraped the come off Andrew’s chest with his finger then brought it to his mouth, sucking his fingers clean”, “Thick come shot down Jack’s throat and he swallowed, drinking what his lover had to give him”, “Jack arched into him and shivered before he tried to pull out of Andrew’s mouth, but he didn’t let go. Salty sweet come raced down his throat”, “Andrew gasped and arched forward, dumping his load in Jack’s mouth”, “Jack cried out, his shout echoing across the clearing as he came. Andrew came seconds later”, “Andrew swallowed Jack’s come and continued to suck”). Then they’d promise each other everything will be ok in college (“he’d survive long enough to escape away to college where he wouldn’t have to hide his love of men”, “They’d need to move to a city where they could hold each other”, “We only have a few more months of high school and then we’ll be free”, “When we graduate, we’ll find a way to move in together”, “I really want this school year to end so we can find a place to live and be together”, “I swear we’ll be together soon. When we start living together, it will get easier”, “When they moved to college together things would be different”, “Once he got into a good college, they could start working toward building a life together”).

Repeat. 

With a few minor bumps in the road like the homecoming dance postponing their midnight rendezvous, a social worker getting involved due to starvation, a ‘gay-gay’ little brother, and of course, as Andrew’s father put it best,“We’re going to pray like we’ve never prayed before. The gay is going to be gone from your life forever. You’ve chosen a path of death. Your mother and I are here to make sure you make a different decision. We’ll pray that gay away if it takes a lifetime”.

I am however awarding this book a higher rating than I thought going in because Mrs. York unveiled a whole new world to me in her writing talent of being able to showcase the entire gamut of human emotion with one’s eyebrows. “Billy screwed up his face, his brows pinched together”, “The boy screwed up his face, pinching his brows together”, “Nathaniel turned to him, his brows bunched together”, “Nancy looked to Jack’s dad and lifted a brow”, “Then Jack met his gaze and lifted one eyebrow”, “Jack turned around and lifted a brow”, “He glanced away then back at Jack, his brows pulled together”, “Suzanne’s brow’s shot up and her mouth hung open”, “She turned and narrowed her eyes, bunching her brows together”, “Coach lifted his brow as he stared at Jack”, “Andrew bit his lip and his brows pinched together”, “Both adults turned toward him, raising a questioning brow”, “Andrew’s brows were raised, a worried look on his face”, “Andrew, winking at him and lifting his eyebrows”, “His brows bunched together as he stared at the costume”, “He glanced at Jack who lifted his brows… ”, “…and lifted his brows”, “… lifted brows…”, “… bunched eyebrows…”, “… her brows…”, “… eyebrows…”, “…. brows…”, “… brows…”.

Wager:

How many times does Fred Phelps say "fag/faggot" in the following video:

Results:

1. Beau Dashington - (guessing 8)
2. LoganLodez (guessing 0)
3. AdmiralFartmore (guessing 15)
4. Peartree (guessing 24)