#45 - "The Selection" by Kiera Cass

Trystopia

(3/10)

by Admiral Fartmore

(book submitted by Peartree)

Editor's Note: I first met Ms Cass while nude sunbathing in French Polynesia. She suggested I submit her book to the club after two very tall glasses of Pernod. She seemed intimidating so I said ok.

"The Selection" by Kiera Cass is a young-adult series commonly described as The Bachelor meets The Hunger Games: it takes place in post-WWIV North America, which is now a dystopian, caste-based monarchy called Illea, and the plot pivots around the selection of the crown prince’s bride through a very Bacheloresque competition between young women drawn from across the land. The story follows a beautiful yet truculent young girl named America (fuck, yeah!) as she navigates her way through the selection process. Both fair in complexion and fiery in disposition, from humble background but with great potential, our heroine must attempt to balance love, independence, political intrigue, and more. Does she succeed? Does this heavy-handed personification of American exceptionalism manage to ‘have it all?”

America, who has red hair, is caught in a love triangle between a hot rich guy and a cute boy-next-door. Sound familiar?

I don’t know how what happens, because I only read the first book, which ends completely out of no where. America gets out of bed one morning, and then the book just ends. While most of the competitors are eliminated, there are still 6 girls left vying for the Prince's heart. It doesn't even fucking say "The End." Seriously, I haven't seen something finish this prematurely since something-something penis joke. I think the series resolves itself after three books, but I'll never read it, because I already feel cheated. I'm not going to be suckered into making three orders of book just to get a single helping of story. It's like the middle piece of bread in a Big Mac - absolute bullshit.

The Selection has the literary equivalent of this ending.

I am most interested in discussing the world. It's drawn a lot of comparisons to The Hunger Games, but I don’t really think the comparison is all that warranted. Following World War IV (which apparently wasn't fought with sticks and stones, Einstein, you idiot), the world’s nations have formed into several supranational states covering areas like North America, East Asia, Europe, etc. These states are in perpetual war, and there’s also a lot of revolutionary activity within their borders. You might be tempted to say this sounds 1984-inspired, but I really don’t think you need to read Orwell in order to dream this kind of simple future up. Did I just casually reference 1984 to sound smart? Yup. You bet your sweet ass I have my grade 9 education.

What were the Third and Fourth World Wars about, by the way? Well it all started with a Chinese invasion of the United States. I’ll allow Cass to describe in her own words how this came about:

Reading that, you can’t help but picture China as some kind of Scorsese-style bookie, baseball bat in hand, knocking on an apartment door. But whatever, this is young adult fiction. We aren’t looking for in-depth discussion of sovereign debt. But I really think Cass could have done better when it comes to what the Chinese renamed the US:

Hahaha.

It’s 2015, so of course big-bad China is the rising threat to the United States. If this had been written in the 70’s, it would have been the USSR. In the 80’s? Maybe Japan. In the 90’s? Gangster rap. And so on. While none of this is particularly imaginative or original, it’s also not exceptionally bad compared to anything else in the future-sucks genre. 

There is, however, one major issue I have with Cass’ vision of the future: Italy is still a country. Every single country referenced in The Selection has been renamed and reshaped by war and economic collapse. Except, apparently, Italy, which is still just Italy. That’s right, Italy - the country with enough debt to make Wesley Snipes blush; you know - the country where the Prime Minister can get away with banging underage prostitutes; you know, the country where football fans chant racist obscenities against their own players. The whole world goes to shit but ITALY survives? Yeah right. Forgive me if I find Italy-tle-bit unbelievable.

While we are on the subject, we need to stop saying that Italy is shaped like a boot. Italy does not look like a boot. It looks like a horrifying pile of crudely-drawn penises.

I defy anyone to look at this map of Italy without seeing a quivering rat-king of cartoon dicks.

One way The Selection differs from most popular young adult fiction is in ‘Merica’s healthy relationship with her parents. Despite this book being an amalgamation of pretty much every trope from the genre (‘Merica is caught in a love triangle, she’s poor, she’s absolutely selfless, everyone loves her except for this one rich bitch, she’s always awkwardly flirting, etc.), Cass spares us the dead/missing parents angle. That part is at least modestly refreshing, like a warm glass of water. But my god there’s a lot of flirting. I did a word search to see just how many times she mentions hot breath or eyes, and in the process I realized that you could actually recreate a condensed version of the whole story with just a few simple words:

Still missing one thing.

However, I am adult, and this book wasn’t meant for adults. I no longer experience the social awkwardness, drama, or awkward dry-humping that characterize teenage years. So unless you stopped growing emotionally at 14 or just really, really need to escape for a while, this book is no good. It's boring, sentimentalist fluff. But as much as I don’t like it, I will give her this: Cass absolutely nails the teenage demographic. Silvio Berlusconi would be proud.

#44 - "Fat Vampire" by Adam Rex

There Can Be Only Two

(5/10)

by Beau Dashington

(book submitted by Peartree)

Editor's Note: I wonder if fat vampires have to pay for blood just as fat chicks have to pay for sex...

Did you know that there are two books called Fat Vampire? I mean, what are the odds? When Peartree told me I was going to have to review Fat Vampire for my next book, I was flabbergasted, flustered and flummoxed.  Firstly, there’s a book by Adam Rex which is about a vampire who is fat. Secondly, there is a series of books by Johnny B. Truant which are about a fat person who is a vampire. It's very confusing, and it's impossible to tell the two apart. For starters, both are about the obese undead, and both authors have names which are suspiciously fake.

It’s interesting to note that both books start with roughly the same premise; the main character is fat and a vampire, and therefore, gets picked on by other people, even though they’re a motherfucking child of the night. Its also interesting to note that both books seem have a plot based almost entirely on this picture

Both books are based on the simple premise: what would happen if a vampire was fat? Would they still be sexy? Would they be able to run and hunt people? Would they be able to get thin, if they exercized? And wouldn't it be a fun and original idea to find out the answers to all these questions? Just to summarize, the answer from both books for these questions is as follows: not much, no, sometimes, no, and no.

In both cases, the book is generally meant to slot into the vampire canon of literature alongside other greats, that asked questions like: what if an old man became a vampire? What if a baby became a vampire? What if a gangster became a vampire? What if the President of the United States was a vampire? No, wait, what if the President of the United states wasn't a vampire, but he liked to kill vampires?

Isn't this an interesting premise for a book? Also, this particular Fat Vampire seems to have been awarded the Order of Canada.

From the moment that I found out that there were two Fat Vampire books, I knew that I had to determine which was the real Fat Vampire book, and which was the imposter. My first stop was to go to GoodReads and find out which one is the original gangster. 

As you can see, it turns out that Johnny B. Truant's book is better rated, but Adam Rex did it first. I thought it would be interesting to read some of the reviews, to try and work out why Johnny Truant's book is more highly rated. And this is the first review of the Johnny B. Truant imposter Fat Vampire book:

They did, Joe. Adam thought of it first. My boy Adam had that idea fucking years ago while you were still chowing down on Lucky Charms before going to kindergarten. He's written more Fat Vampire books than you've had hot dinners. And he did it first. Who cares if someone else came along and got better ratings on GoodReads by stealing an idea and re-doing it? Stealing someone else's idea has never worked, except in the case of Alexander Graham Bell, Steve Jobs, Guglielmo Marconi, and the Prophet Mohammad as well as many of the most successful people in history. Just because Johnny B. Truant (if that is his real name) did it better doesn't mean shit to me, or my boy Adam. We're super tight now, I can tell.

Me and my boy Adam are going to go have some beers and forget about this whole mess because we don't care what you think. I'm sick of society judging me for being different (a horse), and Adam is too. He hasn't said that explicitly since I have never been in direct contact with him, but I can tell. Because we have a special connection, and no one can break that, not you, not Johnny Truant, and not even Barack Obama or the Devil or somebody (although they're probably all the same thing).

And that's all I have to say about that.

Oh wait, I almost forgot to review the book. It's a story about a kid called Doug, who is a chubby teenager. He gets turned into a vampire one night, and because of that, he is doomed to be fat forever since vampires don't age or change physically. He gets picked on and called 'Meatball' by his classmates, including the quarterback Victor, who is actually the vampire who turned Doug. Along the way, he hangs out with his bro Jay, as well as a new Indian exchange student called Sejal who was sent to America after "contracting the Google", an ailment whereby she couldn't stop googling herself. They end up looking for Doug's vampire ancestors, they kinda try to date a bit, and the ending is a bit violent.

Perhaps it's not a masterpiece, but it's not a Piece of Shit™ either. My one criticism would be that the book has trouble deciding if it is about teenage angst, or something else entirely, and as such, the tone feels a bit inconsistent. But, it has lots of popular culture jokes about Star Wars and stuff, and lots of good reviews on various websites. People who like vampires will find lots to like. So read it. Or don't. Whatever. 

Also, after I'd finished this review, I realized there's a third fat vampire book. And a fourth. For fuck's sake.

Beau Dashington

22/07/2015

#43 - "Your Code Name Is Jonah" by Edward Packard

Whalesongs Are Terrifying

(3.4/10)

By Peartree

(book chosen by Beau Dashington)

Editor's Note: Do you want to continue with this review? If you select 'Yes', scroll further down the page and continue reading. If you select "No", then re-direct your browser to the beginning and start again.

During my first run through this book, I died after 8 pages. It was complete bullshit. I had made all the right decisions as a spy such as George Lazenby would have. I was assigned the task of finding some scientist who disappeared after he discovered the secret to decoding a message from whales. The whales, of course, were trying to help us defeat the Russians. But some lady picked me up outside the office, pulled a gun on me, tortured me, then shot me.

I wanted to seduce the woman into not killing me like GL would have done by just getting naked and showing her my special gadget, but that wasn't a choice. And that's the main problem with these 'choose your own adventure books' (or CYOA for those hip people). It's not 'choose your OWN adventure' it's 'choose ONE OF THE LIMITED PREDETERMINED POSSIBLE COURSES OF ACTION WRITTEN BY THE AUTHOR adventure'. But OOTLPPCOAWBTAA doesn't roll off the tongue I suppose.

So anyway I wanted to write a review based on those 8 pages, but Beau said I had to read the entire book even though the first page is a warning with three (!!!) exclamation marks stating that you should NOT read it all the way through and that 'you cannot go back!'. But in the end I decided to say 'fuck it. I'm George fucking Lazenby'. Besides, it's a warning on a children's book, it's not a cop, what's it going to do?

What happens throughout the book you ask? Well for starters there are only 27 endings, not 40 like the fucking book cover states. Lying Piece Of Shit™. Other than that it was what you'd expect from a kids novel about spies. You can rescue the scientist from the bad guys' headquarters in a New England mansion, chase some evil dudes out on a boat, board a submarine to steal a recording from some villainous bros, get double or triple crossed by a nefarious pal, sell information to odious fellows, and a bunch of other stuff involving all around disagreeable chaps.

The one thing missing is that you are never swallowed by a whale, or giant fish for some reason. I assumed that was the whole point of the codename Jonah. Why else would the author give your character such a pansy ass name.

Here is a little chart of the possibilities.

That little symbol under the gun is supposed to be a wave. You drown. I should have just put this but ah well.

12.7 pages to read through the average adventure. Twelve point fucking seven. Maybe this book should have concentrated on more depth instead of breadth. Sure they idea of choosing where your character goes is fun, but if it only lasts 4 minutes it's like telling 8 bikini clad women to put together a giant four piece puzzle of George Lazenby's face. Everyone's going to be disappointed rather quickly.

Speaking of disappointment, let's go over the entire plot of the book. Some scientist has discovered that humpback whales are trying to communicate with humans and for some reason you and the Russians are warring over the information. I don't understand why. Who the hell cares what a whale has to tell you. "Hey! There are some great krill over there!" I don't care, stupid whales. By the way, ever listened to a whalesong? It's terrifying.

What they actually tell you, and I promise I'm not making this up, is there is "a huge, protected cavern in the Arctic, twenty kilometres across - a whole country, owned and occupied by whales, talking whales". It's odd that two countries would be warring over this, but you quickly learn that both countries want to use the cavern as a military base. Because fuck those talking whales. This earth belongs to us.

Every ending in which you complete your mission the President decides to not build a base there, or makes peace with Russia and they both decide they will not invade the whales' cavern. If you don't complete your mission and/or are killed you have no idea what happens because just as in life there is no epilogue. I can only assume that the Russians invade the cavern, kill off most of the whales, and hold a status referendum for the territory to join Russia.

If that is the case I hope the whales are as bad ass as my character was to take them on. In one of the stories I was on a ship and a submarine surfaced right below us.

The Arcturus is splitting open.

Water is gushing up. Waves are breaking over the deck.

"Do you think they did it on purpose?" the captain asks.

You shrug your shoulders.

"It looks like we're going down," you say.

"I'm afraid so," the captain replies.

 That's right. You don't mess with a guy who shrugs his shoulders as his ship is going down in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. The last thing the Russians saw was his smiling face as the frigid waters tried to swallow him into the abyss, because he jumped out of the water as they turned around and threw a motherfucking knife into their backs.

- Peartree